Destaniii;;'s Blog

i dont know how long it took me to get on here again . i dont even really want to try to figure it out . but i do know what brought me onto here . and im going to share my story .

this is about the same person i wrote that letter to in the beginning of the summer.

i dont really know how to explain the way i feel . i feel like i have not only been decieved and betrayed for a second time, but i also feel as though ive been kicked , tortured and left to a pack of hungry wolves. i do not even know how to muster up words to determine what exactly would explain what has happened to me. the plain and simple fact is that i have been made a fool of an
d i can not let that go .i can not fucking stand a coward . i can not fucking stand a bum. but what i can not stand more than anything in this world is a coward who lies to themselves.

but i can not even type any further because my emotions are completely overwhelmed. but i will say that this has again taught me a valuable lesson and i can now move on in my life to a new lesson .

you need to pick your head up. this is not the end. things get harder.

"Please fuck this up, so I can destroy you."

i feel like crying but nothing is coming out. i keep giving people chances that they really dont deserve. i just dont understand why someone would waste their time investing in something that they are not going to commit too. i feel like im just the friend that people use and im just suppose to pretend to be happy and have all the answers but when they dont need me , they dont bother. i think its rather fucked up and im sick of it.

i saw him today. and my heart jumps everytime i make contact with him. hes the only one i will ever let myself really cry over and really forgive . all the other ones dont matter. your first cut is the deepest . you will never forget it  . atleast he had the decency to stay around for me to cope and then i ruined it by being a bitch.

wow i really never come on here anymore . but today i have something valuable to say so i mine as well...

life is one big series of lessons, but they never stop...until you die. in order to complete a lesson you must learn that the value it is teaching and you must apply it . if you do not learn the lesson and learn from it, you will continue to go through the lesson until you have completed it . after the lesson has been complete, a new one presents itself. you will not get a new lesson until you complete the current one. 

this applies so much to my life right now. i recently stopped  talking to the man that i love and i thought it would be cool and cute to be with his best friend to piss him off .... thats so not cool. and i realize that now. i need to learn to forgive but never forget. i need to forgive him for what he has done to me and never forget what this has taught me . in time , i will find the one that is right for me but for now why not just live life? im young, im free. 

"Don't worry about the bears Bella. My Kung Fu is strong. "

i have a serious case of writers block and a sadness i cant seem to cure . i keep giving , giving, giving, and im not GETTING anything in return . i wanna curl up into a ball and disappear. recently i keep pondering the thought of never meeting you . i wish and i wish and i wish and pray to god that i can erase your memory from my mind . i love you so much i hate you . i want to be your everything and i cant and it hurts . i want to be the one you call , the one you text , the one you think about all the time . i wish you didnt talk to me the way you do , or treat me the way you do . i wish you didnt make me cry and make me upset . but i can not just keep on fucking wishing . 

"Three pennies and a ball o' lint, kiiiddd. "

i was also going to write a letter to someone else but i decided i wont because that is just FAR to deep to even begin 

where do i even begin? writing this is making my stomach hurt . i want to scream really loud , asnd cry really hard . what the fuck dude ? why all that shady business ? you put me through so much shit and i just kept taking it and taking it and taking it. i was so wrapped up and infatuated with you , its sad . i thought that you were perfect . i didnt like anyone as much as you since little dick . and that is just mind blowing . i liked you more than him . i liked you so much it made me think that i couldnt have possibly loved him if i liked you this much . i liked you so much that after all the shit you did to me , i wished that i was crying over him and not you. i wished that i was hurting this much because of him. because even though he did the same thing . i still have more respect for him . he talked me through it and i hated him because i couldnt face reality . welll i got a fucking reality check alright . right now you think youre the shit, you think shes legit and youre trying to stunt . but in a few years your going to realize what i realized a few days ago , YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A FUCKING LOW LIFE WEIRDO . WORKING AT THE SAME 9 TO 5. DRIVING THE SAME CAR. HAVING THE SAME PROBLEMS OVER AND OVER AGAIN . AND BASICALLY BEING A BUM  . atleast i know that i will be doing so much more with my life, doing much bigger and better things that you or her will ever do . so hurt me all you want right now , but in the long run, i will  be coming up on top. i will be the one standing tall , and happy. and i hope when you see me on tv and when you see me in magazines, it makes you sick to your motherfucking stomach . i hope it eats away at you . i hope it tears you apart . and also , your ex girlfriend was fucking gorgeous . she was the prettiest girl i ever seen in person and she dated YOU . im glad she realized, unlike me, how much better she could do . dont call her a cunt just because youre a dickhead bum that has nothing going for him. im going to leave this letter at that . fuck you and fuck everything you did to me . one day youll get what you deserve . 

you think the shit your doings cute ? absolutely not . when you get into a relationship with someone , its because you like them . you want to give them your all. you want to be his and only his. you were in a serious relationship before so what i cant understand is why your acting like this shit is new to you . i laugh when you post pictures and status about you and him  and leave the little hidden messages for me  because if you really knew what happened between me and you , you wouldnt feel so confident about your phony relationship. if you only knew the shit that happened between me and your boyfriend , you would cry . when i say i dont give a fuck  about it, im lying i do . i wish you get hit my a mac truck and still survive . youre an ignorant bitch , and youre making yourself look silly. i have every right to be this pissed at you boo.  you keep trying to test me and provoke me , and soon enough your going to get a fucking reaction . and youre not ready for a reaction . you stole my phone . you were at MY party, with MY boy, disrespecting ME. and you stole MY phone. where is the logic in that hun ? everytime i think about that i want to beat some sense into your pathetic excuse for a body . youre a cunt and karma is gonna give you what you deserve jus tyou wait . and if you think its not , it will, itll creep up on you . it might takes days or it might take months or it might even take years but just know when it happens, you will know why its happening to you . 

i have put up with so much of your shit . i give you fucking everything . EVERYTHING . and yet and still you treat me like complete shit . you have a car? thats fucking awesome . no need to shove it in my face every five minutes. if you were a true friend you wouldnt do half the shit you do  to me . youre obsessed with me. you get mad when im with other friends, when i dont want to do what you want to do and your just plain weird. you are the cheapest bitch i ever met in my life. its truely disgusting . i was never raised like that and i find it appalling that you would even be that cheap . i do not want to sit in your house on a friday night because you have no other friends, no one else wants to hang out with you, and you do not want to go out and do anything . i find it weird that you are a teenage girl with her own car and no curfew, that does not want to go out into the world and have fun . its odd. i am not your girlfriend . i dont need to explain shit to you . i can have as many friends as i want, fuck as many people as i want, be a fucking social butterfly if i want . stop asking me dumb questions . i hate it . stop asking me questions you already know the answers to . iknow you know the answers  . i swear to god if you tell anyone about bestfriend turbo , itll be your ass this time. i can promise you that i will completely DEMOLISH you . do not underestimate me dude because i will fucking kick your ass and drag you to your doorstep to tell your mother what i did to your ass . i dont want to be friends with you anymore. youre emotionally draining and so fucking annoying . i know this letter sounds mean but you deserve every ounce of it you rude bitch . im only doing this because this is the best way to release my anger with out killing your ass . 

  dest . 

i feel like everytime i pray, im praying to nothing but air, just simply talking to myself . they say if you put all your trust and belief into this higher power you will live a happy life . well ive been putting all my hope in this "higher power"  and i just want to know where i fucked up ? i pray, i believe , i might not go to church but thats a whole other post in its self . this has been the worst summer by far. people have done be so dirty, theyre lucky im not a serial killer by now . i keep getting my hopes up only for them to get crushed . i am about to write four letters to four people who need molly whopped in the tit . so this is just a warning for you all . and i am sorry ahead of time . 

how could i do this to myself ? again ? words can not even explain what i have just been through . i have to be the strongest person i know right now . there is feeling at the pit of my stomach  , i am trying so har dnot to focus on it but i can not help it . everything hurts so bad . i just want to be fucking free of it all . i wish iwasnt so stupid. and i wish i could erase everything  .